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G Nev OGs: Own Goals By The Original Gangster

Whilst across the Atlantic a despotic leader and his family attempt to take over the world, do we in Manchester have our own Trump Lite?

I speak, of course, of Gary Neville, a name added to the long and illustrious list of former Bury residents who either went on to achieve greatness or have mediocrity thrust upon them. Elbow, my arse.

G Nev, as he must be addressed, is causing quite a big stink up in these here parts as he attempts to knock down and rebuild the city in his own bland image. Of course, these plans are for our own good and not at all for his and his investors’ gain, whatsoever.

A modern day philanthropist he is not. More a misguided control freak, as seen in TV footage of him telling us he hardly ever sleeps. Scary.

Maybe an afternoon session in the threatened Sir Ralph Abercromby pub followed by a good 12-hour snooze is just what G Nev needs? He’d have to do that before demolishing it though, wouldn’t he?

His proposed twin towers of Babylon are to be imaginatively named Tower Number One and Tower Number Two. Perhaps at the topping out ceremony Shaun Ryder and Bez could be asked to clean up the city’s pigeon population from the rooftops. Another proposal is to rename the area St Michaels.

Where will it end for el patron G Nev? Neville Gardens? The Neville Quarter? El patron is crazy with the power.

With his decision to ask the Council’s planning committee to delay the application until further design amendments are made, maybe G Nev has met his Peterloo.

By the way, one of St Michael’s roles as an archangel is the Angel of Death, who upon your deathbed will come to you and ask whether you’re going upstairs or downstairs, like a holy bus conductor.

We mustn’t leave this little tale of la familia Neville without a mention of gentler brother Phil, who recently revealed he doesn’t know how to make a cup of coffee. Not barista style or filter, but simple instant coffee.

This just in: HBO are currently developing a mini-series based on the Neville family business, in true Cosa Nostra style. Let’s say the working title is The Goalfather. Here’s a particularly moving scene from episode three:

G: [grabs P by the face] I know it was you, Phil. You broke my heart.
P: Whoa, calm down, Gary. I’ll put the kettle on and make us a coffee.


Next article in issue 41

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